Lovely Letters

Billy and I have gotten in the habit of writing each other little notes of encouragement and love letters. Because he's on shift work, and I have classes 4 nights each week, we don't have as much quality time with each other. I started doing it at first because he seemed to be bummed out and down on himself so I would sneak a note in with his lunch or hidden in whatever book he was currently reading because it always feels better to stumble upon something like that when you're least expecting it. Also, I'll tape a little note to the bathroom mirror when he's working nights for him to see when he first gets home in the morning. The other night he told me how much he likes being surprised by my notes and that he saves them all to reread when he's lonely at work or is feeling lousy. He keeps them hanging in the bathroom, or on the fridge, or wherever I stuck it...so if you ever see papers hanging throughout the apartment, that's what they are. He writes me notes too, one time we had a fight and i was taking a nap and woke up to a lengthy letter apologizing. Other times, he'll hide them on me like I try to do to him. I think our little notes to each other have really helped our relationship because it has only contributed to our wonderful communication, and sometimes it's easier to write things on paper. We both really like to make each other feel good, especially on days when we're not in the greatest moods.

this post was first written in my notebook, while waiting for class

I'll start off by stating that prior to the last 5 or so years, I rarely read for leisure- I've talked about this before. And again, I want to be the kind of person who reads for their own benefit because there's so many wonderful stories out there that the movies just can't do justice to. I'm working on this skill. I talk about reading as if it's a skill like knitting (which, by the by, I've learned how to do), and I guess in some regards it is. Some people can read quickly and retain all of the words, but I sometimes have to read a line several times before it sticks. I will also say that if I'm not sucked into a book within the first 25-50 pages, I'm probably never going to finish it. I'm okay with that because it's helping me to fine tune the genres and styles I prefer.

In high school (college too), whenever we read books, we had to write reflection papers or analyze the themes or symbolism. I got fairly good at being able to do this without ever really "reading" the books. I didn't like being "forced" to read, it seemed so taxing and time consuming. I still have some issues with analyzing the words of someone else, especially if the author is not around to verify such analysis as true or false. I digress. The point is, I feel that reading should be enjoyable, and I understand what my teachers were doing- I appreciate this, but in some respects it really backfired. After a few books and essays, I was able to pick up on key terms easily and areas I had difficulty with I looked to the internet for answers. Reading a book was equivalent to algebra- I did what I had to in order to get a passing grade, but I got NOTHING out of it. Maybe exposure to different works, but I don't recall more than a handful of books or stories that especially interested me.

While I'm still in college and still have assigned readings, it's different. The readings are interesting to me. I actually want to read. I'm finally getting something out of my assignments. I'm enjoying the reading, and it's so much less of a task. However, I still feel the need to discuss and reflect my feelings upon completing a book. I like the exchange of opinions.

Earlier today I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. I started reading it yesterday. It was assigned for my Sociology of Death course, and needs to be read by December 7th, I'm just about 2 months ahead and it barely took up any of my time. I will admit that I'd heard good things about the book, with regards to dealing with the loss of someone close. I tried to read from a different perspective, a social scientist. I found it incredibly interesting to read about the emotions and process of acceptance that Morrie, Albom as well as everyone else in Morrie's life went through. My first thought was how incredible this is. Death is someone fascinating to me, mainly because it is so difficult for me to comprehend- I think many people will agree with me here. I really struggle with faith, and I generally associate myself as an atheist, but I guess I'm open to anything (NOT Pascal's Wager though). While the book doesn't answer any questions about afterlife (I don't really contemplate this anymore), it really put me at rest with a lot of personal issues I had regarding the passing of my paternal grandmother, whom many of you know, I was VERY close to. Having said that, I don't think I want to go into those issues now.

I feel good that I've finished another book, I'm ahead of my reading for one class, and I learned of an incredibly inspiring story. I like true stories, even if the ending is sad and inevitable. I've got a lot of readings for my world literature (just read The Merchant of Venice and starting Gilgamesh), 2 sociology and 1 psychology courses, and I don't anticipate having too much free time to embark on another novel anytime soon. We'll see. I'm sure I'll feel compelled to write or talk about it, so I'm sure I'll be back here to compose my review.

guilty pleasure

I just have to tell everyone about one of my favorite guilty pleasures. About a year ago, maybe slightly less, a woman at work brought in some treats. Her husband works for Nestle and always sends lots of goodies. What's really cool about him is that he gets preview treats, unreleased candies that Nestle will be selling in the months to come. She let me try cranberry raisinets. I was instantly hooked! As an avid chocolate consumer, and someone who LOVES craisins, this was just the perfect combination! After a few months, I still had not seen them on the shelves in stores and was concerned that they had not passed through the market research period, but she informed me that they would be available in stores in the months to come...and then she brought me a whole bag full of them! I've stretched that supply to last me probably the last 6 months, and I've just finished it. I still have not seen them in stores, but alas, as a farewell gift, she filled a beautiful vera bradley tote bag with cranberry raisinets, baby ruths, and crunch bars! She is a wonderfully thoughtful woman, and I'll probably talking about her in the posts to follow.

*Please note, I have not been overindulging (or even indulging) myself on a regular basis, I plan to make that chocolate supply last me well into the upcoming year.

**Also note, cranberry raisonets are especially delicious when accompanied by a warm cup of tea.

impressionable and indecisive

In high school I took a lot of cooking classes and decided I wanted to be a chef, and went to culinary school. When I watched Dog Town and the Z Boys, I tried (unsuccessfully) to learn to be a skateboarder. When I sing along to the radio, sometimes I convince myself that I could be a famous singer too. Sometimes I think that I want to be well-known for something...I want my 15 minutes in the sun, but frankly, I hate being the center of attention. My 6th or 7th birthday party, I cried when everyone sang happy birthday to me. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been reading a lot of articles and journals and I want to be a writer, but I don't really think I do. At 25, I still have no idea what I want to do. I'm not getting any younger (which is so dramatic to write, no less think) and I'm certainly not saving any money with this lifestyle. I just don't know what direction I'm taking my life in. I know I'm going to get a degree soon and that will "open up so many doors" (as everyone keeps telling me), but I don't know if I buy it. And how will I know if I'm going through the right door? My degree will be in psychology most likely with a minor in sociology, which sounds great in theory, but really means nothing. To be able to do anything, whether I teach or go into counseling or even research, I'm really going to need a masters. I'm not saying I'm opposed to furthering my education, but let's be honest here, it's taken me quite a long time to even get to the point I'm at now. One would think that I'd have some sort of idea where I'm going with this. I don't. I am completely and utterly clueless. I like teaching, but I don't see myself doing that forever; furthermore, I don't LOVE it. I don't want to be one of those people who is miserable at their job and is merely earning a living. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about what I have to do. I know that's a bit unrealistic and over-the-top, but I also don't want to settle. Part of why it's taking me nearly 10 years to finish my undergraduate education is because I can't decide what I want to be when I "grow up". To be honest, I want to get married and be a mother, but a lot of good college will do me in that area. I really do want to finish my degree for myself, and not so that my father will be proud of me (that's an added bonus), but I'm easily discouraged because "what's the point" if I don't have a specific goal in mind. Its very hard to reach your goal if there's not a bigger goal beyond that. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just keep taking classes in the social sciences. I'd love to do research, but I don't want to write those hard-to-read scientific journals, and I do want to make a difference. I want to be able to change at least one person's life for the better. That's my goal, but it's awful broad if you ask me. There are infinite ways I can do that, and a lot of them require little-to-no schooling whatsoever. So, where do I go from here? I haven't the slightest idea. Hopefully something will click between now and graduation.

Archives

About 2 weeks ago I was getting my hair cut by Katie, the most wonderful stylist I have ever known, and I'm not exaggerating. I was telling her about my lack of employment and such (i suppose unemployment will be a common topic for a while- it's kind of a big change in my life), but I was going on and on about how good of a change it was and how my life has been affected in all areas because of it. She's really great because she let's me gab on, but she also interjects her thoughts and slows down my relentless ranting. She pointed out how much happier I am since this change and suggested that I blog about my life. I guess she didn't know that I've had this little puppy for a while! It's funny because prior to her comment, I never actually thought that anyone would be interested in reading about my life. I know some of my friends read it and offer their encouragement and comments, but I don't even think they're particularly stimulated by the words that I produce. I've a had various blogs since high school, most of which have been deleted and/or forgotten, but for me, writing about the boring happenings in my life is somewhat therapeutic. It feels good to unload my thoughts/experiences/emotions out in a public forum, whether or not people respond. It's also a physical documentation or archive of various aspects of my life. Since high school I've maintained a livejournal account, which is set to private, but its funny to look back at my old posts and reminisce. I also like to critique my grammar and sentance structure...because I'm a nerd. It's especially funny to recognize how different my problems were- from crying about not having a boyfriend to petty arguments between "best friends forever" (relationships that have since desolved). I don't regret anything I've done because the choices I've made have contributed to who I am today, and I'm pretty content with myself. I anticipate that even in the months and years to come, the directions of my posts will continue to change dramatically. I love reflecting on the past...

I'm also using this forum as a way to stay in touch with important people in my life. A lot of my friends have fairly busy schedules and when we do talk, it's impossible to catch up on everything. So, via the web and various blogsites, I'm able to read about their lives and they can read about mine. The internet really is a wonderful resource for communication and relationships.

funemployment

Yes, you read that correctly. I am unemployed. While it was not really a position I'd planned on finding myself in, I'm not really upset or depressed about not having a job. It really has opened up a lot of opportunities that I wouldn't have had under other circumstances, but I'll get to that shortly.

Let's talk about where my life WAS heading. I'm 25, I live with my boyfriend, I was very slowly working towards my bachelors degree in psychology, and I was working full time at the school. They had me "teaching" art, which I was ecstatic about, but because I don't have a teaching certification, I couldn't technically "teach" art with my own classroom. Basically I was going to go around to each classroom and do lessons with the head teacher's still in the class. In addition, I was going to be working in the transitional department teaching the kids how to use digital cameras and print/photoshop their pictures. Again, I was very excited about all of this and was willing to take all of it on, but there was no pay compensation. I'd gotten a $500 pay increase, like all of the other paraprofessionals, but I was doing far more than even many of the teachers (in some respects). Until I left, I didn't realize how they were really taking advantage of me. In my mind, if I had to be getting a lousy pay, I'd rather be doing something that I enjoyed rather than something that was a constant source of stress and frustration. I was willing to settle for the low pay because I had nothing to negotiate with, no degree or certification, so I took what I was given. This had been bothering Billy for quite a while. He didn't think it was fair that they were taking advantage of me, and he thought that I really should be getting more than what they were willing to give, regardless of my qualifications...especially because I'd worked there since I was 18. Adding insult to injury, they were not reimbursing me for tuition for reasons unknown to me. I didn't want to have to take out more student loans and was only taking 2 classes per semester. At that rate, I would still be a good 3 years away from my bachelors. I don't want to be 30 and STILL in college.

So, what am I doing now? Well, first off, I'm enrolled full-time in college. Because I'll be able to collect unemployment, I'll be able to afford to be a full time student. Also, I got approved for enough financial aid to pay for this enitre year. As I said before, I didn't want to take out student loans, but upon further investigation, my total loan debts were considerably lower than I'd originally thought. I realized that if I go full time for this entire year and probably one more semester that I should be able to graduate by December of next year. I'm taking 15 credits and will probably have at least that many for the next 2 semesters I have left. I'm excited to be finishing my undergraduate education. Sometimes I joke that I'm the Oedipus or Homer of college because this has been a lengthy, epic journey for me, but the joking is a facad for the what I really feel. People always say the same thing "At least you're still going", and it's only slightly encouraging. I've always been an underachiever. My report cards and progress reports always said something to the extent of me not working to the best of my ability. For some reason I never really cared to do my best. I'm the first to sell myself short. Laziness and procrastination have gotten the best of me and my ability to complete college in a timely fashion. Now I'm turning over a new leaf and getting myself in order.

I'm not actively seeking a job, contrary to what I tell the people at the unemployment office. For the first time, I'm taking advantage of the resources I've been presented. I've had a job since I was 15, I worked the whole time I was in college and I'm finally taking a break. I know some people really look down on those who are unemployed and make no effort to get another job, but I don't think that I fit in with those people. My effort is being put into my education because the sooner I graduate, the sooner I can look for a better paying job. Plus, I really needed a break from work. I'm able to sleep in a little bit, but I still get up and get dressed every day. I'm doing all the things that a housewife does. I'm cleaning and cooking a lot more, which is really what I love...even if it's just a grilled cheese for Billy who is 25 going on 5.

I guess I'll keep everyone posted on my progress and employment status as the time goes on. Hopefully a year from now I'll be planning my graduation!